I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
