It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
