I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
