there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
