Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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