Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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