Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
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It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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