I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I think I just sharted jello shots
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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