She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
