I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
a search helicopter?!
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
