my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
