you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
