Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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