i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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