I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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