god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
