I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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