i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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