you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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