you would pick up someone in the library
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
