You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
