How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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