for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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