a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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