I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
