So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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