I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
