the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
