hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
