ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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