my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
