DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Randomize
