so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
