The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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