i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i may or may not be watching the land before time
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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