My room smells like vodka and shame
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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