my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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