So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
