Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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