I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
