I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
