when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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