How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
