I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
