at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
