I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
