I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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