awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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