im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
