i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
