My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
