I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
