smell my finger.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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